What is a Good Life? #70
Building & Supporting Community with Holly Penalver
On the 70th episode of the What is a Good Life? podcast, I am delighted to introduce our guest, Holly Penalver. Holly is the founder of Indigo Volunteers, a remarkable charity that has made a significant impact on the lives of tens of thousands of refugees. By placing thousands of volunteers with grassroots partners, Indigo provides essential aid, healthcare, education, skills workshops, and vital services to refugees along the European migratory route. Having spent years in the field, working hands-on in places like Greece, Serbia, and Bosnia, she now works for the disaster relief charity ShelterBox as their Volunteer Development Manager.
In this conversation, Holly takes us on her journey of supporting and building community, inspired by the support she felt at home, to setting up Indigo Volunteers. She talks about the significance of both being willing to accept and give help, the importance of forgiving ourselves, letting go of right and wrong, the realisation that multiple things can be true at the same time, and how we are not as important as we think. Which can all help release us to do more good in the world.
Throughout this conversation, it's clear that Holly is someone who takes action when she notices something missing that could support the community. Whether it's within our communities or even in our own personal lives where we observe a lack of necessary action, there is much inspiration to draw from her energy and the perspectives shared in this episode.
The weekly clip from the podcast (4 mins), my weekly reflection (3 mins), the full podcast (58 mins), and the weekly questions all follow below.
1. Weekly Clip from the Podcast
2. My weekly reflection
In this conversation, Holly acknowledges the importance of letting go of the need to be right and realising that we all simply hold different perspectives. She gives the example of herself and her partner agreeing to have a quiet Sunday morning, only to realise later that their perceptions of a quiet morning were very different.
The realisation that we all have slightly different or subtle differences in how we perceive the world has immensely helped all of my relationships. It completely shifts my intention when relating to people; it moves from trying to be right to one of curiosity and finding out more. This ultimately creates much stronger bonds and greater intimacy as we ask each other more questions and appreciate what we don’t know.
It may be hard for many people to accept that they are merely holding one perspective of an overall truth or that multiple truths can coexist simultaneously without overruling each other. Perhaps there is fear around this unknown and an initial discomfort that comes from letting go of previous certainty.
However, clinging to the sense that you or I am right and the other person is wrong creates so much separation and disconnection in our lives. Acknowledging that we all hold a piece of something and that coming together allows us to understand more together is one of the more enriching experiences in life.
It also curtails many of the pointless arguments we often engage in. Yesterday, I was on the verge of getting into one with my wife; all the signs were pointing that way—irritation, raised voices, both of us tempted to impose our will. When my wife simply said, “this is just who I am,” we were basically pushing our values on each other. As soon as I heard the words come out of her mouth, I laughed out loud. She was being absolutely herself, in fact, as true to form as she could possibly have been in the eight years that I’ve known her, in a facet of our lives where we simply do not hold the same view or values.
Neither value was better or more right than the other, and I realised that for one of us to “win” or be “right,” it would come at the cost of one of us being true to our nature or values. Why can’t both our perspectives simply coexist in the same room or relationship together?
The more we’ve done this in our relationship—the more we’ve accepted the other as they are and been curious about why the other sees or feels the world as they do—the more we’ve typically learned from each other and rounded out our perspectives. Not that we come to a consensus on something, but our capacity to appreciate difference or hold two things simultaneously without trying to overrule each other greatly increases my capacity for empathy, understanding, and appreciating the paradoxes and contradictions that exist within life and indeed myself.
I say this many times; perhaps I am oversimplifying it, but it feels very true to me, so it is worth repeating here: We live in a universe where 95% of it is Dark Energy and Dark Matter—meaning we have no clue at all as to what it consists of. Ninety-five percent.
I also hold the view that everything is connected and interdependent. So whatever localised view or certainty that I hold, if it is completely cut off from everything else and only considered in isolation, it is much more a theoretical viewpoint than a holistic and universal truth.
Holding onto absolute certainties or being absolutely right in this life usually involves us cutting ourselves off from a bigger interconnected picture and limits our capacity for greater and connected understanding. It may feel good to flex in the moment, but what use is it if we end up feeling more disconnected in the end?
3. Full Episode - Building & Supporting Community with Holly Penalver - What is a Good Life? #70
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4. This week’s Questions
What do you consistently see as a problem in your community that you feel an urge to help towards?
Can you think of a relationship in which you are trying to impose your point of view to the extent that it restricts the other person from being themselves?
About Me
I am a Coach based in Berlin, via Dublin, Ireland. I left behind a 15-year career in Capital Markets after I became extremely curious around answering some of the bigger questions in life. I started this project in 2021, for which I’ve now interviewed around 200 people, to provide people with the space to reflect on their own lives and to create content that would spark people’s own inquiry into this question. I am also trying to share more genuine expressions of the human experience, beyond the facades we typically project.
If you would like to work with me for individual or executive team coaching or executive silent retreats, or you simply want to get in touch, here’s my email and LinkedIn.